Why I Am A Vampire

Good luck trying to figure out how much of this is ironic. 

1. I wear creepy black clothing.
2. Blood is pretty cool tbh.
3. I hate garlic.
4. I'm definitely a night person.
5. If I wear enough lipstick, I'll look like I've been drinking blood.
6. I am an old soul.
7. I have the hair.
8. Mirrors are not my friend. Neither are cameras.
9. Urgh no. No fire. God no.
10. My relationship with God.
11. Dramatic monalogues.
12. I'm trying to infect others, I swear.
13. Capes.
14. I'm pretty sure I have a friend who's a werewolf.
15. I sparkle in the sun.
16. I would totes lure lost travellers into my castle so I can drink their blood.

Why I Hate Halloween

I like Halloween, but I also hate it. Everyone assumes I'm all about it because I'm relatively freaky. I threaten to kill people with stationery. Not the case. Here's why:

1. Everyone dresses the way I dress every other day of the year. 
2. I am no longer unique because of this.
3. I get nothing.
4. It's not an actual holiday. Do I get to stay home? No. Do I get a half day? No. I GET NOTHING.
5. The decorations. Is that an actual skeleton or a real one. If it's real, can I have it.
6. I always get really disappointed when I realise it's fake blood.
7. I'm too old to go trick or treating.
8. I have to give candy out to little kids.
9. Girls who take it as an excuse to wear bikinis and heels. We're not in California.
10. How are they not getting in detention?!?!
11. Everyone expects me to go over the top. I'll push them off the top of the fifth floor.
12. It's so short. Why, it'd be nice if Halloween was in winter so that those girls can freeze to death or something. Or in the middle of summer so that they can burn since winter doesn't work properly here.
13. It still isn't appropriate for me to threaten to stab someone with scissors. 
14. 'quirky' costumes. Why are you dressed as a cheeto? 

Update On The Swearing Contest

Yeah, it's cancelled, because we swear wayyyy too much.

E Gets Deep: When You're A Girl

when you're a girl
you're told to smile
when you're a girl
you're told to stay silent
told to hide
told to be agreeable -
told to keep the peace.

when you're a girl you're told
to stop fighting
your brother.
Your brother  isn't told
to stop fighting
you.

when you're a girl you're told
to be afraid.
afraid of the dark
afraid of saying something wrong
afraid of standing out.
because we are taught that our value
is in how silent we can be.

when you're a girl you're told
to persevere
to hide your pain
to be agreeable
to be soft
to keep the peace
and to keep our hearts open

when you're a girl you're told
that you must want love
that you must love
and to do anything for love.

when you're a girl you're told
that you are broken
if you do not love

when you're a girl you're told
that you are worth nothing
because you are not loved.

when you're a girl you're told
that it is normal to hate yourselves
in the hopes that someone will love you.
validate you.

when you're a girl you're told
that if you love yourself
you are arrogant.

when you're a girl you are told
that if you want to be alone
you are a freak

when you're a girl you are told
that if you stand up
you're loud and obnoxious.

when you're a girl you are told
that if a boy loves himself
he's confident.

when you're a girl you are told
that if a boy wants to be alone
he's mysterious and intriguing.

when you're a girl you are told
that your emotions are weak
but you cannot be cold.

when you're a girl you are told
that you have to be warm
without emotion.

when you're a girl you are told
to take what you are given
and to never expect anything

when you're a girl you are told
that your value
is in other people
that only others can tell you
your worth.

when you're a girl you are told
that you are a bitch
for breaking up with a boy.

when you're a girl you are told
that if you're broken up on
you can't fall in love again

when you're a girl you are told
that if you like someone else
it immediately becomes love

when you're a girl you are told
that if you don't want love
you're crazy.

when you're a girl you are told
that if you have male friends
you are a slut.

when you're a girl you are told
that your body is an object
that has to be hidden
because it may be a distraction to boys

when you're a girl you are told
that you are capable of distracting boys
and must therefore
be hidden.

when you're a girl you are told
to listen to others
and to not speak.
well screw that.

Periods.

(to male readers.. sorry, I guess. Nope. I'm not sorry.)
Girls have to handle periods. Fact of life. Sorry.
But how does one avoid it? I have the answers right here.

a) get pregnant then handle 18 years of a pain in the arse as well as your periods.
b) get so unhealthy that it is physically impossible to have a period.
c) wait for menopause... that's.... in your 50s. If you're lucky.
d) die.

This has been a comprehensive list of methods to avoid your period.
I wish you luck in your future endeavours.

101 Things to Do

So lately I feel so unmotivated and sad and empty and unexciting. Here's a list of 101 things I want to do (hopefully I'll be able to check off most of them by the end of 2014).

1. Get a skateboard and do an ollie!
2. Run up an escalator the wrong way
3. Make an origami crane. 
4. Like someone and let them know (UPDATE: I might actually go through with this because I have no dignity left.)
5. Write down an awesome dream and do something creative with it. 
6. Feed that white tiger again!! 
7. Make at least 3 videos!
8. Learn to play and sing a song on the piano
9. Finish the Maze Runner Game
10. Failed parkour attempt?
11. Get rly involved in a school club and be recognized for it
12. Paint something good enough that could be hung on a wall
13. Learn to whistle
14. Ouija board!
15. Learn to juggle!
16. Have an awesome performance w/o stage fright!
17. Get fit!
18. Make the honor roll?
19. Watch Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Suits S4, Dexter, Hannibal S2, Modern Family, Selfie, Supernatural S10
20. Pull a prank on someone 
21. Have perfect makeup for a day (perf winged eyeliner and eyebrows)
22. Get full points on a game of QuizUp
23. Write a short story
24. Help him with that movie, make it awesome!
25. make an awesome logo in Illustrator
26. Make an awesome Flash proj
27. 
    

Hi, it's 1:17 A.M. and I've only came up with 20 things to do but hopefully I'll come up with more. 

Things I Learnt In High School

1. Don't go to school if you're sick, it'll make you feel 123706427054x more sick.
2. Don't miss school because then you'll fail everything.
3. How to sleep in classes without teachers noticing.
4. How to use your phone in class without teachers noticing.
5. How to discreetly listen to music.
6. Magical techniques to drink things that aren't water in class.
7. The amount of concealer needed to cover the shadows.
8. Don't bother combing your hair.
9. I may be drunk/high/dead/sleep deprived, but I'm in class.
10. No one likes you.
11. I'm sorry.
12. The amount of sugar essential to a normal level of energy.
13. Nope.
14. Nope.
15. Nope.
16. A whole wide glorious world of nope.
17. Nope.
18. Bye.
19. Urgh
20. Schooooollll. 

October Contest

Yeah. We ain't swearing all month starting tomorrow. That's it.
Bye.

School Hack

E: How to feel like sh*t: go to school
CK: How to feel better: ditch school

How To Take A Test

HOW TO TAKE A TEST (the entire process)

as someone who took her PSATs today, I am very qualified for this. Yes. I am. Shut up.

1. Hold it off until the night before.
2. Study like hell. Give up halfway through and stalk attractive people's photos.
3. Receive a panicked call/text from a friend stressing about how hard the test is going to be, and decide to get back to it.
4. Stop the test to handle your screaming family.
5. Go back to your studying and forget what you just did.
6. Get a drink.
7. Stare at the page.
8. Make yourself a nutella sandwich.
9. Lose your calculator and your sanity.
10. Finish your studying and realise that it's pretty late.
11. Write up your blog post on how to study.
12. Go to sleep five hours after you finished studying.
13. Wake up an hour later to take the test.
14. Stare at the test paper and make up random answers for questions you can't answer.
15. Fall asleep halfway through.
16. Be woken up by the proctor/teacher.
17. See all your classmates staring at you. Self consciously wipe the drool off your face.
18. Realise you only have five minutes left and blaze through the test.
19. Hand it in, knowing that you'll fail.
20. Get your results, to find that you have failed.
21. Die.

Types of People I Hate

Types Of People I Hate

I was actually going to make this a 'Things I Hate' thing, but then I realised that I hate a lot of things, so I decided to split it up into people and things.

1. people who say 'OH YOU HAVE A PIMPLE' Obviously. i know it's there. I spent 20 minutes this morning trying to get rid of it, and this genius is there like 'HAR HAR HAR YOU HAVE A PIMPLE.' I know this, so shut the hell up.

2. people who demand things of me. 'HEY, DO YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY TOMORROW.' or the more 'subtle' one 'I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WITHOUT MAKEUP. DON'T WEAR MAKEUP TOMORROW.' Last I checked, you're not an authority figure. You are the most boring and obnoxious person I know. You're not Beyonce. You're not Vogue, stop telling me what I should do with my face.

3. This is mostly girls but girls who laugh like *High pitched laugh*. I cannot. What are you trying to do? Scare away dogs? Call Batman?

4. On the other end of the spectrum, girls who laugh like this *Manly snorty laugh*

5. Guys who flex. ALL THE TIME. Just like, I failed my maths test *flex* My girlfriend broke up with me *flex* I'm in jail *flex* News flash, it doesn't look cool.

6. People who are like 'Why are you scared of my dog? He's soooo nice.' Yeah the dog's nice, I'm not. Get it away from me, I came to your house to see you, not your giant golden retriever. If I want dog fur and slobber on me, I'll get a dog. (Yes, R, yes)

7.  People who dress in overly bright clothing. What are you doing? Stop. This is not the Circus Soleil. You have no reason to dress like that.

8. People who complain when I chew ice. I love chewing ice. Stop telling me to stop.

9. Girls who freak out when sex is mentioned. You were there when we had sex ed in the 6th year, why are you screaming because sex was mentioned? I don't get it, because you scream about it, but there are guys asking me if I want porn. I don't get it.

10. People who are so obvious about your crush. Say I'm with a friend or whatever and we see my crush. I'm acting normally, but that friend starts hitting my arm and giggling. Like shut up, it's my crush, I'm not freaking out. Why are you?

11. People who say black isn't a colour. So what, I'm wearing a colourless shirt? Colourless implies that it's white. I'm not wearing white. Am I nude? What...?? Black is a colour, I'm an art student, trust me.

12. People who keep touching my laptop. Stop. I know it's a touchscreen, but you know what else is a touch screen? Your iPhone, your iPad, your Samsung Galaxy S5, your iPod, your mini iPad. Why are you touching my laptop? Because now I have to clean your filty fingerprints off of my screen and trust me, if I get a proper fingerprint, I will use it against you.

13. People who think 'I win you' is a proper sentence. I win you means that I won you in a game, meaning that as of now, you are my property. What you mean is 'I beat you' but considering your grammar, you don't deserve to win at all.

14. People who think theatre isn't an actual thing, but sports are. Sure, you can play sports. But don't ever say that theatre isn't valid and that it's stupid. You don't know what it's like to memorise loads of lines, perform them on stage, remain in character the whole time and not freak out and stutter or run off stage. You don't, so don't act like you're better than me because you dribble a basketball around a court.

15. Girls who constantly post sad things on facebook or instagram or whatever. Your facebook is supposed to be about your life, where do quotes about love come in? You're sad? Really? Then don't get sad when I remove you from my friends list because I don't want to handle your emotions when logging on. It's social media, not 'let's post this sad screencap from that movie I've never seen but I saw on tumblr.'

16.  People who can't stand the sound of scissors snipping. I love that sound but it got so bad then when I was in third grade, a boy complained to the teacher that I kept doing that so the teacher banned scissor snipping. That boy went home with a bleeding lip.

17. People who claim that physical strength is why men are superior to women. Why is physical strength so important anyway? Most of us don't have jobs where physical strength is necessary. Hey dude, we're not building log cabins and burning witches anymore.

18. People who tell me I can't do something because I'm a girl. Like... I can't go there because I'm a girl? I can't say that because I'm a girl? Don't tell me what I can and can't do.

19. People who are so infuriating and stubborn. They're like 'I'm older, I know better. You have to believe me. I will stand here arguing with you until you believe me.' when I'm trying not to rip their throats out.

20. When people join a fandom because of a movie. Enough said.
g v
21. When people say they're something because of a hot actor. In the Harry Potter fandom, I have come across so many fans who're like 'I'm totes a Slytherin because Tom Felton is soooo hawt.' like.... that's not a valid reason. I'm an actual Slytherin, and my taste in men has nothing to do with my sorting. That just makes me look like a crazy fan girl because I'm a Slytherin and since 'Tom Felton is soooo hawt' that's all I can be.

22. When people ask me 'Why's your English so good?' when they realise I'm not American. I don't know, why aren't you dead yet?

23. When brilliant books are turned into a horrible love story where everyone's white and it's about love. That's it. That's the story. Sorry people who loved the books, it is now a romantic comedy. And now millions will join the fandom thinking it's only about love.

There's more but I figured I should stop since.... I don't need more death threats. Cheerio.

13/476 Reasons Why We're Single -R

1. We turn Insidious 2, The Ward, The Haunting in Connecticut, basically any horror movie into a comedy. We also play the guitar and sing loudly during the suspenseful parts.

2. We see possible rape in every given situation.

3. We eat ice cream/popsicles that were made for couples alone, break said ice cream, and compare said ice cream to dicks.

4. When we find something hilarious, we tend to hit things (or people) because we cannot express what we feel in any other way.

5. We make sounds like airplanes and fire engines...I can't imagine what we'll sound like during labor.

6. We're judgmental hypocrites who reject people when they ask us out, only to complain about being single later on.

7. We cut our own hair...at school...with someone else's scissors.

8. We have crushes on animated/fictional characters and fangirl over them 24/7.

9. We roam around after school, buying smoothies and pole dancing at the middle school.

10. We open the sunroof, stand up and sing at the top of our lungs even though we are stuck in traffic and people are staring (I think it's been established that we have no dignity).

11. We think it is appropriate to act out Edgar Allan Poe's The Telltale Heart while one of us is sleeping.

12. Our laughs sound like dying walruses making love to each other one last time.

13. Our swearing mostly consists of the phrases "Bats**t insane", "Get me out of this f**k hole", "Whats**t", "Don't give a flying f**k" and my personal favorite, "Goat f**k".

How To Not Fall Asleep In Class

How To Not Fall Asleep In Class

Chances are, you're a teenager and are therefore lazy, or incredibly sleep deprived. And chances are, you're gonna wake up late. Be prepared for this.

Take a freezing cold shower. This ensures maximum alertness so that you can experience the whole High School experience with increasing tuition bills! Remember, you are preparing yourself to pull a Steve Rogers and be frozen in ice for a long time as well as effectively waking you up.

Your next step is to inhale as much sugar and caffeine as humanly possible. This is extremely crucial and is not to be skipped. Take with you to school in a solid bottle since some schools don't appreciate your efforts to not fall dead at your desk. 

If you find yourself dozing off in the middle of a lecture, drink from your not-at-all-suspicious bottle. If that fails, I find mints help. So now you smell like coffee and mints. Mmm, super attractive.

At lunch, don't even bother. You probably fell asleep while doing homework, finish that up before you have to run to your next class. This gets you moving and ensures that you are super pumped up for class! Also, steal your friends sugary drinks and snacks. Remember, only the strongest survive. 

Dear Writers

Please alert CK and CH about the existence of this. I don't want to have to do it. Thanks.
-E

How To Hunt For A Boyfriend

How To Hunt For A Boyfriend

Imagine you are at a party, and your friends have left you for their boyfriends. You are alone, and you are bored. The room smells like sweat, and it is far too warm. There are drinks spilt on the floor and it is very sticky. Everyone around you are couples dancing, or cuddling. Not nice, is it? What if you had a boyfriend too?

            First, scan the area. Chances are, there will be people of the opposite gender, in this article it will be a boy. Scan your possibilities. Notice the details. It could be anyone, even that random guy who laughs for no reason with his eyes all crossed, or that guy who keeps eating the paper napkins and has no expression and chews with his mouth open

Then, select your prey. It is important to remember that this will be your boyfriend. If he is eating paper napkins, or laughing hysterically, perhaps you should select someone who behaves less like a goat or a crazy person. Remember, it is your boyfriend. However if you like that he is a crazy goat person, then go ahead. Just remember, he is your boyfriend and will be seen with you.  

            Now, stalk your prey, however do not let your prey know they are being followed. Follow Goat Guy on social websites, such as Twitter, or Facebook. Find out where he goes, and what he likes. Go where he goes, and watch him. What kind of person is he? Do not scare him away, or make sudden movements, such as commenting on his photos from 2001. Remember that this is part of the hunt. If you do scare him away, you will be back at step one.

            Do you have a good idea of your quarry now? Well, now you slowly close in on your prey. Talk to him, ask him about his interests (even if you know what they are due to the last step.) This is a way of preparing for the last, final, most important step.

            Now what is this extremely important step? It is quite simple, however it is probably the most terrifying. Corner your prey, and pounce. You could take this literally, however you may be sent away. I mean ‘pounce’ figuratively. Start talking about it, then ‘pounce’ with the question, you could ask him out. This is important, if you do not complete this step, Goat Guy will be “The One That Got Away.”

            It is very much like hunting actually.